It’s Been a Fun Ride, But You’ve Got to Go!


Hair, it’s been super. I mean, you’ve always been kind of wonderful to me. You’re been super long, which is totally my kind of thing, and you have an awesome floofy-ness about you. I mean, sometimes it’s been the less-than-awesome kind of floofy-ness. Really most of the time it’s been less-than-awesome. Truly, I hate you. Do you remember what you did to me in Chicago?!

Do you SEE how GIANT my EFFING HAIR is?!?!

Do you SEE how GIANT my EFFING HAIR is?!?!


Seriously, hair, this isn’t cool. As much as I *love* how long you’ve always been, I’ve never really been able to show you off to the world. You’re just so wild – I can’t keep you under control anywhere we go! So, my natural state has become with you tied up in an awful conglomeration of “bun” that sticks out in every different direction because, even with a brand new hair tie with all of the elasticity the factory originally put in it, nothing will truly contain you.

Seriously, when have you EVER seen me with my hair not this haphazard mess?

Seriously, when have you EVER seen me with my hair not this haphazard mess?

Ok, sure – some days, years ago, I used to spend an hour and a half or so straightening you. But really, I’m lazy enough already, I barely have time to brush you. So what did I do last year? I spent ONE HUNDRED TWENTY DOLLARS to have the sweetest hair stylist ever chemically straighten you! And what did you do? Completely rebelled to the point where none of the straightening thing worked. So she, being the sweetest hair stylist ever, chemically straightened you AGAIN, free of charge, because maybe she had done something wrong the first time…. NOPE! You’re just a PAIN IN THE ASS!

If only you'd stay this nice and tame.

If only you’d stay this nice and tame.

So I say this to you once and for all, I’m done with you. I’m done hiding you in a rat’s-nest bun. I’m done brushing knots out of you for fifteen minutes straight less than an hour after I JUST BRUSHTED KNOTS OUT OF YOU for fifteen minutes straight – heck, I’ve been done with this one for a while already now, it’s not like brushing you ever worked in the first place! I’m done breaking you into three knotted conglomerations to braid together before I go to bed every night because I don’t have the energy to deal with you anymore.

We just need to end this. We don’t work well together, not like this. It’s never worked. Every single day, either you feel like I’ve put you in a cage, or I feel like you’re wrecking my life. You need the freedom to be as crazy and untamed as you want to be, and I need the freedom to spend my time on things more important than keeping you under control. I think in a few years we’ll look back at this day and laugh at the fact that we ever thought we could get along like this.


7 responses »

  1. Cut it off! Cut it off! My hair and I had a very similar relationship until I finally mustered up enough bravery 12 years ago to just cut it off, a la Gwyneth Paltrow in Sliding Doors. I have been a happy cookie since then!

  2. I get the same way when my hair is long. So then I cut it off. And then I miss my long hair. It’s a never-ending dance. And I just keep doing it over and over. Grow it long. Cut it off. Grow it long. Cut it off. The good news is, it’s just hair.

  3. I totally feel your pain, only mine is so f’ing straight and heavy that it falls out of any ponytail holder. However, with Felix in full-blown grabby stage, I feel I have no choice.
    I’ve always said I should not be allowed to have hair. I don’t do anything with it. Never have, never will. I oscillate between growing it long and whacking it off short. When it’s long, I want something “short and easy.” When it’s short I realize it sticks up and out and I have to actually put effort into it.
    Doom. Hair doom.

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